In the previous blog I talk about how God is present with people, including the stories of persons who have been assaulted or harassed. I talk about regardless of whether people are believed, God is present in the dark moments and will be made known. I end the blog with this statement:
"God was present in these stories when people violated the sacredness of other persons' bodies...."
I thought I should honor such a statement with a full blog post.
God being present in the darkest moments of the human experience is a truth I believe in.
God's presence is attested to by Scripture and affirmed by my tradition (Presbyterian U.S.A.). While preparing for ministry, in my internship and a class called "Pastoral Care" it was emphasized to us that part of our job was to be present with people in order to represent that God was present especially during the moments filled with the most pain and most darkness. These moments usually meant pain and suffering of the body, the loneliness of assisted living and nursing homes, and the death of loved ones. As pastors we were to be the calm presence and hopefully remind people that they were not alone or forgotten or forsaken, but that God still loved them and was present with them.
At the same time I was going through therapy to deal with a set of memories that caused me to have crippling panic attacks and struggle with trusting in relationships. A set of memories that made me super sensitive to stories of rape and assault, especially when dealing with young persons. A set of memories I did not want to have and spent my entire life trying to repress and making myself believe that I had made up. However, I had to face the reality that a child could not make stuff like that up. No matter how creative.
I am not going to go into details of what happened to me. I do not owe them details to you and the purpose of this blog is not to prove to you that what happened to me is true. First because it will be distracting from the point, and second because I cannot prove it beyond memory and my story.
Balancing the work from therapy and the work of seminary created an interesting and difficult sandwich of introspection. Eventually I realized that if I believe God is present in the darkest moments and if I am going to tell other people that God is present, then I needed to see God present in my darkest moments. I needed to work on seeing God where I literally could not.
I would not suggest doing this unless you are in partnership with a certified therapist. Because I spent so much time being angry and feeling betrayed. How come no one saved me? How come no one knew what was happening? How could God let this happen to me? I hated the exercise of sitting in a moment that was so repulsive and gross I almost vomit every time just so that I could look around from God.
I would love to say that it only took a day or a week. It didn't. It took a good year of actively working on imagining God present with me for me to begin to see God there. And when it happened it caught me off guard. I remember the first time it happened because it made me gasp out loud.
I would love to say that now those memories don't hurt anymore and that I never deal with panic attacks or depression anymore. I can't.
I would love to end this blog with a great token recipe of how to turn dark moments into an evangelical fix, filled now only with light and no more darkness. I can't, and I won't.
Seeing Jesus present with me doesn't make the darkness disappear or the dark moments good. It doesn't make it easier to stomach or any less repulsive. It didn't take away the triggers for my panic attacks. Rather, seeing Jesus present with me makes me feel less forgotten, alone, and unloved. It reminds me that I am seen.
I do not see light, but I do see that I am not alone.
So to anyone who had dark moments or is currently swimming in one, I have nothing to say that will make it make any sense. All I can say is that somehow, somewhere, God is present. You are not alone. You are seen.
