Five minutes before service and I was still sitting in my car. I had spent the last five minutes, after I had parked and turned my car off, wondering what had I gotten myself into. The profile of the church building stood in the corner of my eye and I tried very hard to ignore it. I looked over the sermon outline I had prepared, scrawled down in haste as if the Spirit's inspiration would evaporate if I wrote it down slowly and neatly. I could have re-written it, made it nice and neat and organized. Proper, like a lady pastor should be. Looking back now, it was comforting to have something that looked on the outside as anxious and nervous as I felt inside. It was a physical companion I carried with me as I walked into the church as I surrendered in obedience to the Holy Spirit.
I have spent the last year and half doing the ministry of guest preaching to churches in need. Some of the opportunities were from pastors who needed a vacation, but more often than not these were churches who needed a pastor. For over a year, I heard their anxieties, their fears, their joys, and their struggles. I heard about their physical pains as they avoided telling me about their emotional or spiritual pains. When a member died, I could tell they noticed how much space was in the pews. I could see their fears of their church dying when they asked me to pray for the families of the deceased. I could see the stress from shouldering the responsibility of keeping the church doors open when they apologized for the small attendance of 25 or 10 or 5.
I never felt uncomfortable preaching to a choir (no literally, sometimes it was only a five member choir in attendance), because where they (or others) might have seen death, I saw life. I saw a steadfast devotion to God. I saw a willingness to risk being the only one present. I saw devotion to God even when all their friends were absent by death or sickness. I saw a great witness to the hope of the resurrection even as my voice echoed in the nearly empty space. And every day, every time, I was honored to the point of tears to be in the presence of such faithfulness.
But I am not writing about their devotion, at least not this time. Instead, I am writing about how I failed to speak to their fears of their church dying, their anxieties of being without a pastor, and their pain from feeling unloved and abandoned, and especially the pain of seeking a new pastor. I failed to be faithful to them as they had been faithful to God through the gift I had been given of singleness.
You see, in the Presbyterian Church (USA), the process of matching pastors and churches is a long and laborious task. Eligible pastors make an online profile, and newly single churches make their own profile, and potential matches are made. If one party is interested in the other, they begin talking. The talking may lead to meeting, perhaps over coffee. The meeting may lead to more meetings, which may lead to a match. Or, it could lead to one not being interested, one not being picked, or one ghosting with no explanation.
So basically, it is like online dating. For years I have jokingly described it as such for it is the easiest way to explain my job search process to my non-church or non-Presbyterian friends, but the analogy is pretty spot on. And it's a process I understand, having willingly put myself through the torturous process of online dating. The ads make online dating seem so simple and pleasant, but those ads are lying. Online dating is exhausting and it sucks. You can spend hours looking for someone to see you, to be vulnerable with, only to have your efforts shoved back in your face. You can end up feeling more belittled, more alone, and more abandoned than before. And no matter how strong or self confident of a woman you are, it still hurts. It still gnaws at you.
It is the same in the pastor search process. No matter how strong or faithful you are, hopelessness and fear still gnaw at you. Pain and unanswered questions echo inside our minds and hearts, and we try to never show it. And it is especially hard when we are happy for our former pastors. It is hard to hold both happiness and sadness together. We think faithfulness is not worrying and not doubting. We think the best way to preserve the church is to not grieve. We think we need to pick either joy or sorrow.
And for the past year I talked to those fears and anxieties but never talked about them. I never named and addressed their pain directly. God worked through me regardless of my failings to be faithful because that is the kind of God we are dealing with - One who uses broken and messy humans. And in the forgiveness I have received from Jesus, I responded with faithful (nervous filled) obedience. I walked up to the pulpit, set my messy scrawled outline of a sermon in front of me, and looked them each right in the eye as I told them how well I saw their pain, their fears, and their feelings of anger, frustration, and brokenness. I told them it was okay to feel both happy for the former pastor's new position and sad that the pastor is gone. I told them I could understand how exhausting and tired and abandoned they felt. I read the beginning words of Habakkuk, in which the exiled people who feel abandoned and forgotten cry out to God, and how God hears them and speaks to them even in their abandoned state because even in exile God had not abandoned them. God stayed.
You see, I was able to do this because of the gift of singleness. I knew with confidence no other preacher spoke directly to their vulnerable, soft spots because no one preaches on singleness.
And through this gift, I knew better than to promise them an easy road to a match, to a pastor/partner.
I knew better than to say that if they are perfect and pure that then and only then will God give them the reward of a pastor/partner who will lead them.
I knew better than to say this is all a part of God's plan, for as much as it is, those words are more hurtful than healing.
I knew better, because through the gift of singleness by the grace of God, the faithfulness of Jesus, and by the power of the Holy Spirit I have been able to see that the promise of the gospel is not the promise of a pastor/partner but the promise that God stays. That God IS present. That God's faithfulness is not evident only when times are good or when the church's pews are over flowing with bodies. God's faithfulness is not given if we are well behaved and have the right people in the pews. No, God simply IS faithful. We cannot earn it, and bad times are NOT a sign of a lack of it.
I was only able to speak to the truth of God being present when things are crappy and how God does stay in our moments of greatest pain because that is the promise declared in the empty tomb that God stays with us - Emmanuel. And I am only uniquely able to speak to this promise in this way, to beckon persons into moments of vulnerability because I am single. Every time a married person speaks to me about singleness, it is aggravating and distracting because since they are no longer single there is the unspoken illusion of a partner being the reward and not God's presence with us. But I make no such illusion or promise other than pointing to the gospel. In being a single person preaching, I made no such promise that they would be happily wed aka that their church wouldn't die or close down. I simply said I knew a part of their pain and that I knew God was still present, some how and some where, and would be present regardless of what was to come. I told them I didn't know how God was present. I just knew God was and is and will be.
I am not saying that marriage is bad or that married people are not faithful to God - this is not an either or situation. Marriage is indeed a gift, and so is singleness, and this is one of the ways I hope I have been faithful to honoring my singleness as the gift it is.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Friday, September 22, 2017
Love in What You Leave
The coffee shop was filled with the expected Saturday afternoon buzz. It was April 30th. My mother's birthday, and it was lovely and temperate. The windows were open, allowing the unfiltered sounds of the city to pour in with the breeze.
Some caffeine seeking cliental walked in and out, ordering their espressos and iced lattes and some snatched up any available real-estate they could. I had arrived early to insure we had a spot. The only available one was a small round table, close to the register. I set my hot tea down after trying (and failing) to sip it without burning my mouth and the table teetered ever so slightly, squeaking loudly in protest to my liquid burden.
He had arrived ten minutes ago, ordered his drink, and joined me. I braced the table, trying to muffle its protestation. Immediately he had begun to talk about....I can't even remember. This was the café in which we first met which is why I had picked it. As a theatre artist I enjoyed the poetic symmetry it established. As he talked, I wondered if he noticed or would notice, since he heralded himself a great theatre artist. Since it wasn't really about him, I doubted he would.
Stopping himself, he asked himself what he was talking about and why, and then asked what I wanted to talk about.
I pulled a deep breath in, gathering as much strength from the sweet, warm spring air as I could and looked him straight in the eyes. I let my heart peek out from behind the walls I had built in order to protect it from him.
I said that we were done "seeing" each other, or whatever term ambiguous term we were using.
I said that I had loved him.
He opened his mouth to begin what he would do - tell me I was wrong and manipulate my emotions with his words to eventually make this all my fault. Make me look and feel stupid. Small. Weak. Unwanted.
I cut him off, my tone slicing through his words. I said this was my truth and he could not tell me what it was I felt.
I said I did love him, but that if this is what love looks like, I want no part of it anymore. I said he no longer gets to touch me. He no longer gets to use me. He no longer gets to make me feel little and insignificant.
He told me he wanted to be friends. He told me he cared about me. He told me that he wouldn't have come here at all if he didn't care about me.
Guilt began to rise from my heart up into the back of my throat like bile.
I swallowed.
I said if he really cared about me, he would have ended it with me when he wanted to see other people rather than cheating on me. I said if he cared, he wouldn't be trying to make me feel guilty. I said if he cared he wouldn't have been such an asshole. And I said that I didn't want to see what friendship looked like if this was how he did relationships.
But I couldn't stop there. For months I rooted through myself looking for the weeds he planted in me.
I found the one that said being in an unhealthy relationship was better than nothing, and I told it that it was wrong. And pulled.
I found the one built on loneliness, that cultivating the lies that I was alone, isolated, and no one understood me. The one that told me the best way to fix it was to ignore it. I told it no, and pulled.
I found one with that said I was worthless and unlovable, one that was able to grow deep roots from all the years of memories from other people doing and telling me the same. I told it no, that it was bullshit. And pulled.
I found the one that told me it was all my fault, and that I deserved this. And I told it to shut the fuck up.
Thing is, this garden which flourished under his care was not originally planted by him. It had been tilled and tended for years of people saying directly or indirectly that my worth as woman was tied up and summed to a romantic relationship. What he encouraged to grow were seeds dropped from the words of people assuring me that God's faithfulness to me would be evident in me having a someone. And each person who would nod their heads in agreement that singleness is a gift but then want no part of it, who wanted to cure my singleness with their grandsons, made me feel like I was worthless and unlovable. This garden was able to grow because we as a Church spend so much time telling women to be in relationships rather than telling them how God loves them, just as they are. We don't face the actual pain of their loneliness, their additions, their insecurities, and their failures. We would rather don't teach our girls and women to love themselves with the love that God has for them, which beckons us to leave our Egypts behind. I'm not trying to place blame on one person or one group of persons - the responsibility for our neglect is all of our to bear and wrestle with.
It was hard. I thought many times it would break me. There were moments when I almost went back because having something (even something unhealthy and destructive) seemed better than having to learn to love myself. But with time, tons of tears, and a wonderful therapist, I was able to leave them behind.
And any time they grow back, I pull them up again and leave them, some easier than others. You see, I leave these things, this relationship and even harmful friendships, because no matter how deep these lies get planted in me have grown, deeper still was God's love for me. And I am only able to leave not because of my own strength or because I innately understand my value but rather because of God's steadfast love for me. A love that wants me to leave Egypt, to leave behind the things that weigh me down and the lies that keep me enslaved. A love that wants me to find healing and wholeness in ways that may hurt but that are truth-filled and healthy.
Beloved sisters who are reading this and struggling, you are worth being loved. It is not your fault. You are not alone. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to pretend to be perfect. You are loved, and I pray that you trust in God enough to start loving yourself by leaving the garbage behind.
Some caffeine seeking cliental walked in and out, ordering their espressos and iced lattes and some snatched up any available real-estate they could. I had arrived early to insure we had a spot. The only available one was a small round table, close to the register. I set my hot tea down after trying (and failing) to sip it without burning my mouth and the table teetered ever so slightly, squeaking loudly in protest to my liquid burden.
He had arrived ten minutes ago, ordered his drink, and joined me. I braced the table, trying to muffle its protestation. Immediately he had begun to talk about....I can't even remember. This was the café in which we first met which is why I had picked it. As a theatre artist I enjoyed the poetic symmetry it established. As he talked, I wondered if he noticed or would notice, since he heralded himself a great theatre artist. Since it wasn't really about him, I doubted he would.
Stopping himself, he asked himself what he was talking about and why, and then asked what I wanted to talk about.
I pulled a deep breath in, gathering as much strength from the sweet, warm spring air as I could and looked him straight in the eyes. I let my heart peek out from behind the walls I had built in order to protect it from him.
I said that we were done "seeing" each other, or whatever term ambiguous term we were using.
I said that I had loved him.
He opened his mouth to begin what he would do - tell me I was wrong and manipulate my emotions with his words to eventually make this all my fault. Make me look and feel stupid. Small. Weak. Unwanted.
I cut him off, my tone slicing through his words. I said this was my truth and he could not tell me what it was I felt.
I said I did love him, but that if this is what love looks like, I want no part of it anymore. I said he no longer gets to touch me. He no longer gets to use me. He no longer gets to make me feel little and insignificant.
He told me he wanted to be friends. He told me he cared about me. He told me that he wouldn't have come here at all if he didn't care about me.
Guilt began to rise from my heart up into the back of my throat like bile.
I swallowed.
I said if he really cared about me, he would have ended it with me when he wanted to see other people rather than cheating on me. I said if he cared, he wouldn't be trying to make me feel guilty. I said if he cared he wouldn't have been such an asshole. And I said that I didn't want to see what friendship looked like if this was how he did relationships.
But I couldn't stop there. For months I rooted through myself looking for the weeds he planted in me.
I found the one that said being in an unhealthy relationship was better than nothing, and I told it that it was wrong. And pulled.
I found the one built on loneliness, that cultivating the lies that I was alone, isolated, and no one understood me. The one that told me the best way to fix it was to ignore it. I told it no, and pulled.
I found one with that said I was worthless and unlovable, one that was able to grow deep roots from all the years of memories from other people doing and telling me the same. I told it no, that it was bullshit. And pulled.
I found the one that told me it was all my fault, and that I deserved this. And I told it to shut the fuck up.
Thing is, this garden which flourished under his care was not originally planted by him. It had been tilled and tended for years of people saying directly or indirectly that my worth as woman was tied up and summed to a romantic relationship. What he encouraged to grow were seeds dropped from the words of people assuring me that God's faithfulness to me would be evident in me having a someone. And each person who would nod their heads in agreement that singleness is a gift but then want no part of it, who wanted to cure my singleness with their grandsons, made me feel like I was worthless and unlovable. This garden was able to grow because we as a Church spend so much time telling women to be in relationships rather than telling them how God loves them, just as they are. We don't face the actual pain of their loneliness, their additions, their insecurities, and their failures. We would rather don't teach our girls and women to love themselves with the love that God has for them, which beckons us to leave our Egypts behind. I'm not trying to place blame on one person or one group of persons - the responsibility for our neglect is all of our to bear and wrestle with.
It was hard. I thought many times it would break me. There were moments when I almost went back because having something (even something unhealthy and destructive) seemed better than having to learn to love myself. But with time, tons of tears, and a wonderful therapist, I was able to leave them behind.
And any time they grow back, I pull them up again and leave them, some easier than others. You see, I leave these things, this relationship and even harmful friendships, because no matter how deep these lies get planted in me have grown, deeper still was God's love for me. And I am only able to leave not because of my own strength or because I innately understand my value but rather because of God's steadfast love for me. A love that wants me to leave Egypt, to leave behind the things that weigh me down and the lies that keep me enslaved. A love that wants me to find healing and wholeness in ways that may hurt but that are truth-filled and healthy.
Beloved sisters who are reading this and struggling, you are worth being loved. It is not your fault. You are not alone. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to pretend to be perfect. You are loved, and I pray that you trust in God enough to start loving yourself by leaving the garbage behind.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Singleness as a Metaphor for God
It never crossed my mind to keep a running tally throughout my life on how often marriage has been used as a metaphor for our relationship with God. I'm sure if I did I would either have an astronomical number, or would have lost count. Most likely the latter.
From wedding ceremonies to bible studies to sermons and even coffee time conversations, talk of marriage a metaphor is on most people's tongues. Marriage has typically been lifted up as the ideal through the theological undergirding of marriage being the best way in which we can understand and see the expression of the Divine. Marriage is ONE of the metaphors used in the Hebrew Scriptures to express God's relationship with the people who identify as the sons and daughters of Israel, and is ONE way the New Testament expresses Christ's relationship with the Church.
And I get it, I do. The idea of two persons connected as vulnerably as two married persons are supposed to be - financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and socially - can be beautiful, and as a metaphor can be helpful in working towards being financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially vulnerable to God. But relying on a marriage metaphor alone is woefully insufficient. I say this not because of ways in which marriages unweave themselves but because of the mystery of God is such that our language is not enough. The mystery of God is properly unimaginable, and by utilizing the depths of our human experiences and languages we end up re-iterating how mortal we are and how divine God is.
But how are we to utilize singleness as metaphor to a relationship? By realizing that a single person is not without relationships.
Though I am unmarried, I am still a friend, a mentor, a mentee, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter. With or without a ring on it, I am still a neighbor and a co-worker. I might even be dating or have a lover of some form. Being without a partner does not mean I am alone. And because I am a part of all these relationships I have wider exposure to the different types of love possible. Yet some would argue that most of these relationships are not binding in the same degree that a marriage relationship can be. For example: friendship. Friendships are enjoyable and hard. They take work and time and effort. I enjoy building them (or trying to) but even if we put in years towards a friendship, my friends can leave (with considerably less consequences than if it was a marriage).And yet sometimes, they chose to stay. They stay with me even through my panic attacks and my depression. They stay with me when I finally let them know just how not strong I am. They stay, and I am reminded I am loved. And because they stay, sometimes I stay.
And the action of staying - of God chosing to stay - that for me is a powerful metaphor to understanding God's love for us. When the LORD God was leading the people of Israel through the wilderness, God could have left them and picked another nation. Yet, God stayed with them.
When humankind was lost in our sinful disobedience, God could have left us and yet God came and dwelt among us. God stayed with us. And when Jesus was praying on the night of his arrest, as his friends fell asleep, as he wrestled with pain and frustration and fear, he could have taken the cup from himself. And yet, Jesus stayed to bear my sins on the cross. God doesn't have to stay with us and yet God does. Even in our darkest and most pain-filled moments God is with us - Emmanuel.
[I want to emphasis that this metaphor of staying is meant to understand GOD and it does not mean that if we are in a harmful relationship that we are to stay. Whether it be a friendship, a family relationship, or with a lover, you are not called to stay when you are not safe and are not being loved. As theologically intriguing as staying is, leaving is also theologically charged as well and important.]
If we as a church body want to truly work towards deeper understanding of what God is up to in the world, then we need to not limit ourselves through our metaphors, regardless of how limiting our languages are to begin with. For singleness is beautiful and sacred, and it would be nothing but beneficial to the Church and especially to single women within the Church if we began treating singleness as such.
From wedding ceremonies to bible studies to sermons and even coffee time conversations, talk of marriage a metaphor is on most people's tongues. Marriage has typically been lifted up as the ideal through the theological undergirding of marriage being the best way in which we can understand and see the expression of the Divine. Marriage is ONE of the metaphors used in the Hebrew Scriptures to express God's relationship with the people who identify as the sons and daughters of Israel, and is ONE way the New Testament expresses Christ's relationship with the Church.
And I get it, I do. The idea of two persons connected as vulnerably as two married persons are supposed to be - financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and socially - can be beautiful, and as a metaphor can be helpful in working towards being financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially vulnerable to God. But relying on a marriage metaphor alone is woefully insufficient. I say this not because of ways in which marriages unweave themselves but because of the mystery of God is such that our language is not enough. The mystery of God is properly unimaginable, and by utilizing the depths of our human experiences and languages we end up re-iterating how mortal we are and how divine God is.
But how are we to utilize singleness as metaphor to a relationship? By realizing that a single person is not without relationships.
Though I am unmarried, I am still a friend, a mentor, a mentee, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter. With or without a ring on it, I am still a neighbor and a co-worker. I might even be dating or have a lover of some form. Being without a partner does not mean I am alone. And because I am a part of all these relationships I have wider exposure to the different types of love possible. Yet some would argue that most of these relationships are not binding in the same degree that a marriage relationship can be. For example: friendship. Friendships are enjoyable and hard. They take work and time and effort. I enjoy building them (or trying to) but even if we put in years towards a friendship, my friends can leave (with considerably less consequences than if it was a marriage).And yet sometimes, they chose to stay. They stay with me even through my panic attacks and my depression. They stay with me when I finally let them know just how not strong I am. They stay, and I am reminded I am loved. And because they stay, sometimes I stay.
And the action of staying - of God chosing to stay - that for me is a powerful metaphor to understanding God's love for us. When the LORD God was leading the people of Israel through the wilderness, God could have left them and picked another nation. Yet, God stayed with them.
When humankind was lost in our sinful disobedience, God could have left us and yet God came and dwelt among us. God stayed with us. And when Jesus was praying on the night of his arrest, as his friends fell asleep, as he wrestled with pain and frustration and fear, he could have taken the cup from himself. And yet, Jesus stayed to bear my sins on the cross. God doesn't have to stay with us and yet God does. Even in our darkest and most pain-filled moments God is with us - Emmanuel.
[I want to emphasis that this metaphor of staying is meant to understand GOD and it does not mean that if we are in a harmful relationship that we are to stay. Whether it be a friendship, a family relationship, or with a lover, you are not called to stay when you are not safe and are not being loved. As theologically intriguing as staying is, leaving is also theologically charged as well and important.]
If we as a church body want to truly work towards deeper understanding of what God is up to in the world, then we need to not limit ourselves through our metaphors, regardless of how limiting our languages are to begin with. For singleness is beautiful and sacred, and it would be nothing but beneficial to the Church and especially to single women within the Church if we began treating singleness as such.
Friday, September 8, 2017
Single Woman Speaking: An Introduction
Every story has a beginning. Open the pages of the most boring of all text books and there we are confronted with a specifically designated space providing a semblance of beginnings for the reader, who sits at the ready to consume all of her words, to better comprehend the complexities of final products. Introductions seek to persuade, outline, and convince the reader that the subject matter is important.
There are many other single oriented blogs out there in the internet stratosphere. So, the question I am seeking to answer in my introduction: why should this blog matter?
There are three main parts to my motives in creating this blog.
This blog has been born out of a desire to name, create, and establish a sacred space for single women in the church universal to speak together and speak to their communities. It seems all to frequent that the liminality a single person possesses is uncomfortable for fellow parishioners and worshipers who are non-single. At times, it is even uncomfortable for the person in possession of the singleness. Single persons may not be shunned or labeled as leprous, but we definitely have felt as though our relationship status (or, lack there of) is something that needs to be cured.
Even when we are not being cured by well-meaning attempts of our pew buddies, there are still many assumptions about person and worth around the church's single entities without giving them the space to let them have a voice. My intention then is to carve out space for single women to speak and to name it as sacred.
Singleness is complex. Typically when a person thinks of a single woman, the first image that comes to mind is that of a young, 20-something year old white girl. While those persons can be single, they are not THE definition of singleness within the church. The definition of singleness must encapsulate factors of race, ethnicity, sexuality, and age. Single persons of the church include widows, divorcees, and single mothers. The single club includes asexuals, lesbians, bi-sexuals, and transgender persons. Singleness includes everyone on the spectrum of economics, political stances, and upbringings.
Some of these persons across identity markers struggle with and care about the same things. Some of them disagree. However, we will never know and never grow as the Body of Christ if their stories are not shared or listened to. What single blogs need is more intersectionality and willingness to live within the tension of differences.
Along with complexity of voice, there needs a complexity of topics. Most female blogs focus their encouragement on holding out till marriage or finding worth as a woman in marriage and motherhood (both of which are beautiful). As interesting as these topics are, single women are concerned and passionate about many other things as well. So within this space single women get a voice but it serves as an invitation to listen and be challenged. I myself hope to be challenged. In this, my hope is to have a majority of the blogs being written by someone who is actually not me. I cannot speak to or for any other woman, and so I will be looking for other women to want to contribute their voice in this project.
As a reformed theologian who cares deeply about scriptural integrity and theological understanding, many of the single blogs I have read infuriate me. Not because I have a disagreement of opinion. In fact, I hope women with whom I disagree will contribute to this blog. The conversation will not be complete until it happens. What infuriates me is that their use of scripture is unchecked and they do not seem to understand the theological implications of their interpretations. Along with that, they rarely are intellectually stimulating. I am not saying blogs have to be some great scholarly paper filled with high handed language. A blog of that nature would be counterproductive to cultivating a community.
What I am saying is there is a great need for more single women blogs to treat their readers as sensitive and intelligent persons. To treat the readers as faith-filled and doubtful. As thinkers, feelers, and doers. AND, that holds itself accountable to its theological responsibility as it dives into and unfolds scripture with integrity.
There are other hopes and motives to this blog, but these are the main three that I will seek to guide this blog. I expect to fail, but in those failures I hope God's grace will meet me through my fellow single sisters as they encourage and challenge me to be better in running this blog. If anyone has a story or experience they would like to share on here, I would be eager to hear about it.
I look forward to where this journey will lead.
To The King! To the Restoration!
Dixie, editor-in-chief
There are many other single oriented blogs out there in the internet stratosphere. So, the question I am seeking to answer in my introduction: why should this blog matter?
There are three main parts to my motives in creating this blog.
1. Singleness as Sacred.
This blog has been born out of a desire to name, create, and establish a sacred space for single women in the church universal to speak together and speak to their communities. It seems all to frequent that the liminality a single person possesses is uncomfortable for fellow parishioners and worshipers who are non-single. At times, it is even uncomfortable for the person in possession of the singleness. Single persons may not be shunned or labeled as leprous, but we definitely have felt as though our relationship status (or, lack there of) is something that needs to be cured.
Even when we are not being cured by well-meaning attempts of our pew buddies, there are still many assumptions about person and worth around the church's single entities without giving them the space to let them have a voice. My intention then is to carve out space for single women to speak and to name it as sacred.
2. Needing a Complexity of Voice.
Singleness is complex. Typically when a person thinks of a single woman, the first image that comes to mind is that of a young, 20-something year old white girl. While those persons can be single, they are not THE definition of singleness within the church. The definition of singleness must encapsulate factors of race, ethnicity, sexuality, and age. Single persons of the church include widows, divorcees, and single mothers. The single club includes asexuals, lesbians, bi-sexuals, and transgender persons. Singleness includes everyone on the spectrum of economics, political stances, and upbringings.
Some of these persons across identity markers struggle with and care about the same things. Some of them disagree. However, we will never know and never grow as the Body of Christ if their stories are not shared or listened to. What single blogs need is more intersectionality and willingness to live within the tension of differences.
Along with complexity of voice, there needs a complexity of topics. Most female blogs focus their encouragement on holding out till marriage or finding worth as a woman in marriage and motherhood (both of which are beautiful). As interesting as these topics are, single women are concerned and passionate about many other things as well. So within this space single women get a voice but it serves as an invitation to listen and be challenged. I myself hope to be challenged. In this, my hope is to have a majority of the blogs being written by someone who is actually not me. I cannot speak to or for any other woman, and so I will be looking for other women to want to contribute their voice in this project.
3. Lack of Theological Undergirding.
As a reformed theologian who cares deeply about scriptural integrity and theological understanding, many of the single blogs I have read infuriate me. Not because I have a disagreement of opinion. In fact, I hope women with whom I disagree will contribute to this blog. The conversation will not be complete until it happens. What infuriates me is that their use of scripture is unchecked and they do not seem to understand the theological implications of their interpretations. Along with that, they rarely are intellectually stimulating. I am not saying blogs have to be some great scholarly paper filled with high handed language. A blog of that nature would be counterproductive to cultivating a community.
What I am saying is there is a great need for more single women blogs to treat their readers as sensitive and intelligent persons. To treat the readers as faith-filled and doubtful. As thinkers, feelers, and doers. AND, that holds itself accountable to its theological responsibility as it dives into and unfolds scripture with integrity.
There are other hopes and motives to this blog, but these are the main three that I will seek to guide this blog. I expect to fail, but in those failures I hope God's grace will meet me through my fellow single sisters as they encourage and challenge me to be better in running this blog. If anyone has a story or experience they would like to share on here, I would be eager to hear about it.
I look forward to where this journey will lead.
To The King! To the Restoration!
Dixie, editor-in-chief
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